


A Special Kind of Double

by proudlyyours



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Childhood, F/F, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 08:39:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10302584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/proudlyyours/pseuds/proudlyyours
Summary: As an adult, Lexa can’t remember the day that her dad left but her sister, Anya, can. Anya did everything she could to keep the truth from Lexa for that one day when they were little, giving her instead all of the happiness she could find before their lives shattered around them.Companion piece forBe the Lightning in Mewhere Lexa meets Clarke eighteen years after this formative moment.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For any of you that have read Be the Lightning in Me, otherwise known as bar au, you'll know I love writing little Lexa as a way to describe how she handles things in her life. I got inspired to write about the day her dad left and it wasn't relevant to the direction the story was going in but I thought perhaps my readers would be intrigued to read it! It's not technically a Clexa story but it's tagged as such because of its companion piece which if you haven't yet read, you definitely should try :) I hope this illuminates some things about Anya, in particular, and the sense of duty she feels when it comes to Lexa. As always, I'd love to know what you think! Thanks for reading :)

_“A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves – a special kind of double.”_ \- Toni Morrison

 

By the time Lexa was an adult she could no longer remember the day that her dad left. Even if she could have, there wouldn’t have been much for her to recall, not much of any real significance anyway. It was a different day for her, sure, but it wasn’t bad. It was mostly different because she and her sister spent the whole day locked away in their own little world together. She didn’t pick up on much else that had been going on for two reasons, the first being her age. She was just three years old and largely blind to the complexities of the world in which she lived. The second reason came in the form of the fiercely strong and protective little girl who did everything in her power to shelter Lexa from the reality of the day that fragmented their family forever. That girl, of course, was her big sister, Anya.

It began in the afternoon.

The girls were out in the backyard, making the most of the first truly warm day of the year. The sun poured its warmth down on them and Anya had already had to help Lexa take her sweater off. She’d tried to do it herself but had got stuck halfway out of it and Anya only giggled at her for a few seconds before going to rescue her from toppling over in her attempt to do it herself. Lexa always tried her hardest to do things on her own but Anya didn’t mind helping her sometimes, not really.

The lawn hadn’t been mowed in a while and their mom had shown them the benefit of that a few days before – daisies. She’d sat in the grass and taught her daughters how to make daisy chains and she made them each a delicate, intricately woven crown and placed them atop their heads. Lexa had beamed proudly before prancing around the yard feeling like the princess that she had only ever wanted to be at three years old, and never again afterwards. Anya, however, had protested that the flower crown was silly and had taken it off straight away. She wasn’t a baby, she didn’t need to believe in fairy tales like Lexa did. And so Theia pulled Anya into her lap and held her close, surprised that she hadn’t immediately pulled away like she usually did. They sat together and watched Lexa skip around, lost in her own little world, already enamoured by the power of fictional worlds to transport her away from reality in a way that Anya would never quite manage to capture. Flower crowns may have been stupid but the warm ball pulsing in her belly as she watched her little sister wasn’t. 

When Anya went to bed that night and found the circle of flowers hung on her bedpost she couldn’t help but smile. It wouldn’t be so bad to leave them there, she figured, they _were_ kind of pretty. But the next morning she found them warped and browning and for some reason they filled her with dread.

So the girls were in the backyard again, just the two of them this time, and Lexa had charged herself with the task of collecting up the daisies, convinced that Anya would do a much better job of making their chains because as far as she was concerned, Anya was good at _everything._ It was at this point that Anya realised something was wrong. She could hear raised voices coming from the kitchen which at first she just found odd; only their mom was home. It wasn’t long before she realised that the second voice belonged to their dad and while a part of her mind told her that it was exciting that he was home from work in the middle of the day, the sensible, increasingly loud part told her that it meant something was wrong.

She just sat in the grass, no long aware of the unkempt blades tickling at her ankles where her jeans were quickly becoming too short, unsure of what to do. When the voices inside grew louder Lexa paused in the collecting of her daisies, hand hovering above a steadily growing heap of them in front of Anya’s crossed legs. Anya watched as those wide eyes that so often gazed up at her in wonder narrowed, and the way that little teeth worried at an unsteady lip had her hand coming up to a flushed cheek in comfort. The stream of sunlight flooding the yard was making the black of Lexa’s eyes shrink, the vivid green surrounding them seemed swollen in comparison, and they glittered as they finally drew to Anya’s face. Anya knew she had to be a big girl for Lexa and so she pulled on her best, brightest smile as she told Lexa that because she was working _so hard,_ she was going to make them some lunch to eat out in the yard while they continued to make their chains. She encouraged her to stay outside and continue to collect daisies, after all, they were going to need a lot if they were going to make their mom a crown too. Lexa agreed because she always did what Anya told her, she was a good sister like that.

It made things a lot easier each time Anya found the need to protect Lexa from something.

When she reached the flaking back door she paused with her fingers wrapped around the handle, checking behind her to make sure that Lexa was distracted again.

She was.

The metal was warm in her grip and she squeezed it tightly, wincing as it squeaked when she pushed it down. Her parents were stood on opposite sides of the kitchen table, their jaws clenched in mirror image of each other. Alexander had his hands on the back of the chair in front of him as he leaned forward, head down, his scruffy, unkempt hair shielding his face from view. Theia, however, turned to Anya after hesitating for only a second as she wiped her hand across her cheeks. Her eyes were shining like Lexa’s had the week before when she’d tripped up the curb and cut her knee open on the sidewalk. It made Anya’s fists clench. When no one said anything, Anya made her way further into the room and pulled everything she needed to make Lexa’s favourite sandwich out of the cabinets.

“Anya, your mom and I are having a grown up conversation right now. Could you go back outside and play with you sister, please?” Alexander said, finally straightening up and folding his arms across his chest. He still didn’t look at Anya properly, though, just watched as her hands continued to make two PB&Js. She didn’t notice because she was determined to finish the task at hand before allowing herself to be dismissed. 

Neither parent tried to hurry her along and once she’d finished she balanced the sandwiches on one palm before looking seriously between them.

“Lexa can hear you, you know.”

And she marched out of the room and into the yard again, fully aware of the two sets of eyes that were on her as she went.

The clenching knot inside her loosened when little Lexa sprang to her feet in the middle of the grass at her return, her smile the brightest thing in Anya’s sights despite the blazing blue of the sky and bold green of the grass. Nothing could compare to how important her little sister made her feel with one look.

(Of course, she’d soon realise that it wouldn’t always be a good feeling, but on that day it was.)

They munched on their sandwiches together in the grass as the songbirds seemed to serenade them and, for a little while, Anya dared to believe that the silence coming from the house was because their parents had sorted out their disagreement and were on their way back to being happy again.

She wasn’t sure how much later it was when their dad came out into the yard – there were no clocks outside and besides, she couldn’t tell the time yet anyway – but shadows had swallowed more than half of the grass by the time he did. The girls had been lying on the still-sunny strip of the lawn, daisy crowns just about clinging to their hair as they watched the sporadic clouds drift by, discussing what each one looked like. Anya had almost forgotten about the argument but as soon as she heard the squeak of the door handle, it all came rushing back.

Lexa’s attention was captured instantly and she rolled over onto her belly to look back at the house, her face blossoming with a smile that did little to ease Anya’s nerves.

“Daddy!” she cried, springing to her feet and tearing across the grass to meet him, loose curls flailing wildly in every direction. 

Anya managed to pull herself up to sit and watch the interaction, taking in the way their dad knelt down to allow Lexa to throw herself into his arms, and how Lexa pushed herself up onto the toes of her scuffed sneakers so she could reach to wrap her arms around his neck.

“Do you wanna come play?” Lexa asked when she had wriggled from her dad’s loose grip. 

“I can’t,” Alexander told her, glancing over her shoulder at Anya. “I have to go back to work now, kid. I just wanted to say goodbye before I left.” His eyes locked with Anya’s and somehow they didn’t look like the brilliant blue of the sky like she’d always thought. Now they looked more like ice and it was that which told her she’d been right in not wanting to go any closer.

Lexa’s answering goodbye was brief and then she was back by Anya’s side again. Alexander looked lost crouched without Lexa in front of him but he stayed like that for a moment as he watched the way that Lexa sat next to her big sister, making sure as much of them was touching as possible, before pushing himself upright with hands on his knees. It only took a few steps for him to reach his daughters.

“Bye, kid,” he said, leaning down swiftly to press a kiss to Anya’s forehead. He didn’t meet her eyes when he straightened up again and she noticed it this time. She was staring at him, trying to figure out what about the man who she’d grown up loving as a father without the bond of blood between them seemed so _wrong._

It didn’t click into place until they were sat in silence at the dinner table that evening, Lexa still with her flower crown in her hair and Theia staring at her untouched food. Normally Alexander would come strolling into the kitchen just as they sat down to eat, clothes filled with plaster dust and the warmest smile on his face. But on that day, he never came, nor did he ever again.

When Lexa and Anya had finished their dinner, Anya gathered up their plates and put them up on the worktop before glancing over at her mom, wondering whether she should move her plate too. But before she could decide, Lexa grabbed her hand and pulled her from the kitchen and into her bedroom where they sat on the floor and played with her puzzles.

A little while later the shuffle of footsteps and the click of a door let Anya know that Theia had finally moved. She left Lexa engrossed in her task and tiptoed into the kitchen, food churning uncomfortably in her belly when she saw her mom’s still-full plate on the table. Biting on her lip to stop it from trembling she picked up the plate and took it to the trashcan, scraping the food away until the plate was clear.

With Lexa chattering away it wasn’t too hard to lose herself again, Anya found, but any little noise from inside the house seemed to press at the edges of their bubble. Not that Lexa noticed, of course.

The sun had long since set when Lexa started to droop, her head nodding comically as she struggled to stay awake to enjoy playing with her all-time favourite person.

It was with surprisingly little resistance that Anya managed to get Lexa ready for bed, ignoring the dread that rolled in her belly about the fact that their mom still hadn’t come to check on them and their dad hadn’t come home at all. She focused on brushing the tangles from Lexa’s already very long, bushy hair, taking comfort in the familiarity of its sleekness wrapping around her fingers as she braided it for her. While Anya had yet to work out how one was supposed to braid their own hair, she’d had enough practice on both her mom and her sister to become proficient at braiding other people’s hair. It was a skill that definitely proved useful in the following weeks.

Little Lexa, tucked up in her bed with the duvet pressed under her chin, was so absorbed in all of the attention she’d won from Anya that day that she didn’t even ask after her mom or dad. Anya was incredibly thankful. 

She pressed a kiss to Lexa’s forehead, brushing loose strands of hair from her face with a steady hand in the way she’d seen her mom do more times than her limited, five-year-old mind could comprehend. 

Getting Lexa to sleep was the easy part, the next part would be harder.

She gritted her teeth before she could muster the strength to push her parents’ bedroom door open. Theia was laid on the bed still in her clothes from the day, her hair cascading in waves on the pillow behind her, and eyes open and fixed on the wall just off to the left of where Anya was stood in the doorway. She didn’t seem to notice her until she stepped right in front of her - only then did swollen, red-rimmed eyes drift from their spot on the wall to settle on her. There wasn’t a single light on in the room, the only illumination came from the hallway through the door that Anya hadn’t even thought about closing.

“I put Lexa to bed,” she said, hands gripping at each other tightly in front of her. She was trying so hard to keep her breathing steady but the tear that escaped from her mom’s eye and trickled to the pillow made the difficult seem impossible.

Theia’s voice was jagged and distorted when she spoke, like she was drowning in the tears that continued to fall. “Thank you, Anya, honey, you’re such a good girl.”

Anya nodded. She knew she was a good girl but she didn’t _feel_ like one when she couldn’t make her mom better.

“Do you want a snack?” she whispered, knowing instinctively that her voice would break if she tried to speak with purpose. “You didn’t eat your dinner.”

“I’ll get something later,” Theia replied, a hand coming up to brush at Anya’s hair. “You get yourself into bed and I’ll come and kiss you goodnight soon, OK?”

“OK,” Anya said, knowing that she wouldn’t. She pressed a kiss to her mom’s forehead, just like she’d done with Lexa, before turning to head for the door.

“Night, honey,” Theia called out and Anya froze in the doorway. She counted to five before telling herself to be brave and turning around again.

“Dad’s not coming back, is he?” she said, barely loudly enough for Theia to hear. Despite that, she was surprised at how strong she sounded.

Theia hesitated for a moment before shaking her head against the pillow. Anya saw the ‘no’ on her lips when her words failed her.

Everything in Anya threatened to crumble with the ruin of her mother before her only making it that much harder to fight but she thought of the little girl tucked up in the bedroom across the hall and she taped all of her cracks back together.

 _For Lexa,_ she told herself.

She nodded in acknowledgement, eyes going to the floor.

“We’ll tell Lexa tomorrow.”

“Anya-” Theia began but Anya shook her head.

“Tomorrow,” she repeated, and she backed out of the room, closing the door and leaving Theia to her darkness.

It didn’t take long for Anya to get herself ready for bed and then there was only one thing left to do. She poked her head into Lexa’s bedroom, softening when she saw the little face with a cheek smushed against the pillow and a stuffed lion pressed under her chin. She looked smaller than ever with the way that she was curled up in the bed that she’d not grown into yet, and the room glowed with yellow light that reminded Anya of the sunshine from their afternoon of making daisy chains together. It was the pull of that ball of warmth in her belly again that had her closing the door behind her and padding further into the room. She hesitated at the edge of the bed for a few seconds before she slipped beneath the covers, causing a sleepy green to peer over sandy lion fur at her.

“Anya?” a little voice questioned. “What are you doing?” 

Lexa hadn’t moved from her spot in the middle of the bed and so Anya was perched precariously on the edge, her back cold where the duvet didn’t quite cover her.

“I…” she tried, suddenly feeling silly for climbing into bed with her little sister. That’s something Lexa did and she was only three, but Anya never got in Lexa's bed because she was older. She was _five_ and soon she'd be in kindergarten and then she'd be six, which was so much bigger than Lexa. “I’ll go to my bed if you don’t want me to stay,” she said quietly, a horrible mix of sorrow and defensiveness swilling around inside her.

“No,” Lexa said, shuffling until her back pressed up against the wall behind her and she took Anya’s hand in her own to pull her to follow. “You’re my sister, I always want you.”

And Anya finally softened, not closing her eyes until Lexa fell asleep again. She envied her for still believing that being someone’s family meant that they’d always be there for you but she could let her live in that fantasy for one more day. No one should have to learn such a thing so young and Anya hated that she couldn’t shield Lexa from it forever but it was from that day forward that she resolved to always protect her sister from everything that tried to hurt her.

She did her best for a long time but the promises made at such a tender age are not often ones that we can keep.

**Author's Note:**

> Writing these characters as kids gives me liiiiiiiiife, thanks for reading! :)


End file.
